I'm ok with her...

I keep getting asked 'How are you ok with D's girlfriend?' 'No way she hugs them' 'How can you let her hold the boys?' 'You don't let her kiss them?' 'Don't say you'd let her have them on her own' 'I don't understand how you watch her with them, it would make me feel sick' 'I'd be so jealous, your a better person than me' 'What a prick letting her do that in front of you' 'Have you seen that Facebook photo...why would he do that?'

Firstly I wouldn't be happy for her to have them on her own, but that's more an issue with D than her. It's not just the emotional side of being left with someone they don't really know. Its the safety aspect, any parent would understandably worry about whether they would be safe with someone who doesn't have children.

However as far as holding them, kissing them, hugging them, I'm ok with it!

I think if I put them in nursery, they had a childminder or nanny I'd want their carers to treat the boys how I would. I'd want them to make the boys feel safe and secure when they arn't with me.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at first there was a pull in my heart, a sickness in my throat when I saw A kiss Moo for the first time. There was no jealousy though. I know that to the boys I will always be there Mama. You can see it in there eyes, the way they light up when they see me. When they are sad, I'm the one they run to. When they need reassurance, they come to me to encourage them to go that bit further. As long as I carry on being the best Mama I can, I hope they with always feel the way I do about them. That this bond will only strengthen as the years go on.

Breast feeding...you didn't fail...

To all the Mama's out there that couldn't breast feed, it's ok, you didn't fail. 

I really didn't know where to start with this post as there are so many different parts to breast feeding that suck. But I'm going to touch on a few things that really pissed me off when I breast fed and also reasons why it's so hard now a days to do 'the most natural thing in the world'.

It isn't natural anymore...

Ok so it is natural, of course it's natural it comes out of our breasts and it would've been the only way you could of fed your child Years ago. I get that. But, and here's the BUT, things are different now, here we are in 2016, where so much has changed, socially, physically, familiarly and mental factors need to be taken into account. So much is expected of us as woman, yet we don't have the support behind us to actually fulfill this expectation of the 'natural' Mama.

There are several reasons that became apparent to me very quickly:

There isn't enough support. I've heard this from a number of new Mama's. In this country we are at a massive disadvantage with a short staffed NHS, I was one of eight new mothers being shared by one midwife when I had Moo. She simply couldn't take the time to show me how to breast feed. I counted fifteen different midwifes and health care assistants who showed me how to breast feed. They made me feel like I couldn't be bothered to breast feed, that I'd get it eventually if I made more effort and each one smugly thought THEY could get me to feed him. Yet not one of them figured out he was severely tongue tied. I was never going to be able to breast feed with a baby with a tongue tie. Yet NO-ONE picked it up until he was four weeks old.

We don't live in a society where we all sit around breast feeding, most of our Mama's don't breast feed, our sisters and friends may breast feed but not often at the same time. If they do, unfortunately we live in a society where we cover it up...how can we learn to breast feed when we don't see any REAL mothers doing it? In most tribes even to date, your Mama will help breastfeed your children. You often will have a number of 'wet nurses' which can be sisters or other tribe members to help feed your baby if for any reason you can't. I'd imagine also if there was anything wrong, someone would know what to do. Having that support and knowledge I'd imagine is paramount to naturally breast feeding. 

If your Swedish your chances of breastfeeding are again in your favour as you partner is entitled at least three months of paternity leave. That's three months of emotional support, in those first few months where your exhausted beyond belief. Physical help, driving you to see friends and family, helping with the shopping, making sure you eating well and drinking lots. Taking your other child/children out for you so you can heal and rest. All these would make such a huge difference to anyone's breastfeeding experience.

Unnatural and complicated labours. Both mine were emergency c-sections. I was really ill for the first two days after Moo was born and he spent his first three days in NICU. He had really low sugar levels and an infection, so they fed him formula for three days to get him back to where he should've been. On day four a fleeting visit from a midwife passed me a syringe and told me to express. Then the next day she bought me a pump and a sterilising bucket and explained I should pump. That was it. Luckily D can be quite persistent and is a straight to the point sort of guy so asked all the right questions as soon as we had any. He did a lot of running around, and a lot of pissing off. But he got the questions answered. 

So I was at this point bottle feeding, (trying) to breast feed and expressing. Sadly this went on until almost a month after I left hospital. Added to that a tongue tie, relfux and trapped wind, you can imagine I was very sleep deprived and exhausted. In all honestly I'm surprised I didn't get post natal depression. I easily understand how people do.

Yes I could've possibly breastfed after four days without feeding, but it would've been really hard. He was used to a teat and used to the formula. I was still poorly and exhausted. After reading more about it I wouldn't of even tried. I just wish that someone could of reassured me that it was ok if I couldn't breast feed. Instead of making me feel so fucking shit about it all.

We don't live in tribes we are on our own. We are expected to do so much on our own. The majority of us don't have family around, they can live miles away or abroad. Our parents and sometimes grandparents are still working, and our partners are either at work or don't exist. Life is different to how we are naturally supposed to be.

If we lived in a tribe we would have family to clean, cook and look after our other children. We would co-sleep so we wouldn't be sleep deprived. If we were Ill our sisters or Mama's would feed our newborns so we could rest. If we needed someone to hold our newborns while we cuddled our older children they were easily accessible.

I found this article by Joanna Moorhead who wrote for the independent, she interviewed anthropologist Barry Hewlett who researched the Aka tribe who live in Africa, the Papa's there also 'breast feed' their children.

'The data he began collecting more than two decades ago, (showed) Aka fathers are within reach of their infants 47% of the time - that's apparently more than fathers in any other cultural group on the planet.'

'What's fascinating about the Aka is that male and female roles are virtually interchangeable. While the women hunt, the men mind the children; while the men cook, the women decide where to set up the next camp. And vice versa: "But, and this is crucial, there's a level of flexibility that's virtually unknown in our society. Aka fathers will slip into roles usually occupied by mothers without a second thought and without, more importantly, any loss of status - there's no stigma involved in the different jobs."'

'Especially riveting facet of Aka life is that women are not only just as likely as their men to hunt, but are even sometimes more proficient as hunters. Hitherto, it has usually been assumed that, because of women's role as gestators and carers of the young, hunting was historically a universally male preserve: but in one study Hewlett found a woman who hunted through the eighth month of her pregnancy and was back at work with her nets and her spears just a month after giving birth. Other mothers went hunting with their newborns strapped to their sides, despite the fact that their prey, the duiker (a type of antelope), can be a dangerous beast.' 

Ok so they don't produce milk, but the children do suckle as a source of comfort. I'd imagine to help the Mama's when they just need some comfort. What a lovely way for the Papa's to bond too. 

Now I've been on both ends of this, I was almost on my own the first time, my parents were both working full time and so was D. It was so so hard. I went days without sleep. Putting Moo down to have a shower or gets dressed would result in screaming. On the flip side of this when I had Teddy I did everything the way I wanted to, what came the most natural. AND I had both my parents around. Wow does it make a difference. I breastfed for 6 weeks. Due to complications (written in other posts) I stopped. 

Our careers have become equal to motherhood. This is just an observation, I have been in a position where my job (two days a week) has always come second to the boys. My boss it's fortunately understanding of this. While I work my parents have the boys and so I haven't ever had to worry about leaving them with someone I didn't know.

I do feel however that society has made us feel like we need to succeed in everything we do. That we SHOULD go back to work, to encourage our children to develop a good work ethic. To have time on our own. To show that woman have equal rights and should work. I think that a mother should choose if she would like to go back to work and I applaud the women who take that leap and stay at home. Guess what most Mama's love staying at home with their children seven days a week and that's ok.

Of course I also feel deeply for the mothers who have had to go back to work for their businesses or for their careers. Some might need this, it doesn't always come natural to all Woman to have babies. Some find it extremely difficult. I think that in order to be a happy parent and to bring up your children in the best environment you HAVE to work on yourself first. Other will have to for financial pressures, or because they fear thy could lose their careers, carreers that as a woman they most likely fought very hard to achieve. That if they took longer than a year off, would never get back.

Media has been groundbreaking...In highlighting how brilliant breast feeding can be. Encouraging us to get our boobies out and be proud to feed whenever and wherever. But it can also be rather dangerous, it gives the idea that it's so easy and natural, 'relax and enjoy it' I heard so many times. It was really hard to relax when I had a hungry baby screaming all day and night. When in reality the majority of us nowadays it's really hard. It's resulted in so many parents feeling like massive failures and guilt ridden, because they for whatever reason couldn't breast feed. It looks beautiful and iddillic, but can be depressing and exhausting.

It not a sexual thing. Regardless of all this I did feed out and wasn't as worried as I thought I'd be, at home I'd just get it out regardless of who was around. But I didn't feel comfortable, not once, it wasn't a sexual thing, although a lot of people assume it is or was. For me ive spent the last 20 years hiding my boobs, getting them out was just really weird. The feel of them out felt alien. I've never gone topless in my garden on my own let alone on a beach. It didn't matter how many times I saw someone else out feeding, I still felt awkward. 

Complications with breast feeding. There are so many things that can go wrong during breast feeding that we don't have enough information about. Factors that can make breast feeding incredibly hard. 

Such as breast reduction, thrush, long separations from the mother, presence of an actual physical barrier between mother and infant, swallowing difficulties and lack of coordination of sucking in premature babies, pain resulting from surgical procedures like circumcision, blood tests, or vaccinations, difficulties latching onto the breast, poor sucking reflex, insufficient glandular tissue in the breasts, lactation failure, polycystic ovarian syndrome, diabetes, severe maternal stressors, insufficient rest/support of the Mama during the first 6 weeks post-partum, early return to work due to lack of financial support/maternity leave of mother, cleft palate, tongue tie, engorgement, inverted nipples, candidiasis, milk statis, mastitis, over active let down, under active let down, to name just a few.

Babies can end up in hospital, malnourished and dehydrated because their Mama's were told to “just keep going”, this can also impact on a Mama's mental health, which is so unnecessary, damaging and dangerous.

I wonder who decided government targets were a good idea? I read an article by Madeleine Morris for the Guardian explaining how the government targets set out 'encouraging breastfeeding' are infact inaccurate and dangerous. I've taken a few paragraphs that hit a nerve with me. There are a number of other articles out there writing very similar story's. Which means that there must be many more Mama's suffering the same way I did.

'In case you didn’t know, along with infrastructure and economic patterns, there are government targets on what women do with their bodies when they have a baby. We are supposed to breastfeed exclusively for six months, then continue in combination with other foods until baby is a year old. 

The trouble is just 16% of Australian women make it to the six-month-exclusive breastfeeding mark. In Britain, it’s only 2%. These figures have remained stubbornly similar despite the chorus of “breast is best” echoing around us for decades.'

'That means 84% of Australian mums and 98% of British mums are officially failures. But it’s not their fault. They have been set up to fail by targets that reflect a one-size-fits-all approach to health that ignore the myriad social, physical, familial and mental factors that go into a breastfeeding relationship. As one well-conducted piece of research into Scottish women’s breastfeeding experiences found, the six-month-exclusive breastfeeding goal is “unhelpful” for individual women.'

'A large-scale studyfrom Cambridge found that women who planned to breastfeed but didn’t meet their goals are more likely to develop postnatal depression. And then there’s the more low-level “mother’s guilt” that mums joke about but really isn’t all that funny. When a baby is your whole world, and you’ve been led to believe how you feed that baby is the most important part of that world but you’re not meeting society’s expectations, it can be devastating.' 

So yeh basically the targets are bullshit and we should all just ignore them! They are dangerous and inaccurate. Created no doubt by someone who doesn't have a clue about either breastfeeding or woman's health after having a baby.

We need to stop judging woman. Why is there so much pressure to breastfeed? Why do we feel shamed that we don't breastfeed? Or that we do breastfeed? It should be a choice. In my job I speak to many Mama's all from different generations and until recently there wasn't ANY pressure to breast feed. If it didn't work you simply went to the shop and bought some formula. We fought so hard as woman to have choice, for a lot of us it actually wasn't a choice to stop, we had no choice. 

So what do we do now? Madeleine Morris for the Guardian suggests taking in ALL the factors in their lives and creating a realistic INDIVIDUAL feeding plan. I think we should all have a breast feeding specialist visit us before the birth and give an honest account of our chances of success. Then the day after we give birth check latch on, tongue tie, read their plan and explain in great detail everything we need to know with visual recordings we can watch (when we have time).

The recordings I think should also include, different images of breasts (not just 'the perfect' breast we see so much of), easy ways in which to cover up, the many positions of breastfeeding, how to express, health issues to be aware of, ideas for meeting other Mama's, Mama's honest accounts of breastfeeding, ideas of how family or friends can help, theres so much more I'm sure...

I sadly don't think we have enough resources in this country to do that. So instead why don't we let each Mama use her instincts and do what the fuck she likes! Without any judgments!

Making bottles...which way is the right way...

Sterilising 

Before we get to the formula I just want to cover some sterilising first.

• Wash our hands and all surfaces that the bottles will come in contact with.
• You must with ALL the bottles wash them with soap and hot water. If they come apart clean every part.
• Then place them into either a microwavable steriliser or a cold water steriliser.
• Next follow the manufactures instructions for the microwave settings or on the sterling tablets which you'll find on the packaging.
• Piece the bottle back together, and your ready to go!

Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep

Bottle maker machine can only be used only at home. 

I found this Video that better explains how to use the perfect prep.

Great at home, easy to use and ready with in minutes. 

Making up one bottle at a time

Guidelines from midwifes and health visitors, I found this on the NHS website and summarised it for you:

Peparing a formula feed

• Fill the kettle with at least 1 litre of fresh tap water (don’t use water that has been boiled before). 
• Boil the water. Then leave the water to cool for no more than 30 minutes, so that it remains at a temperature of at least 70C.
• Follow the manufacturer’s instructions and pour the amount of water you need into the bottle. Double check that the water level is correct. Always put the water in the bottle first, while it is still hot, before adding the powdered infant formula. 
• Loosely fill the scoop with formula, according to the manufacturer’s instructions, and level it off. Make sure you only use the scoop that is enclosed with the powdered infant formula you are using. 
• Cover the teat with the cap and shake the bottle until the powder is dissolved. 
• It's important to cool the formula so it's not too hot to drink. Do this by holding the bottom half of the bottle under cold running water. Make sure the water does not touch the cap covering the teat. 
• Test the temperature of the formula on the inside of your wrist before giving it to your baby. It should be body temperature, which means it should feel warm or cool, but not hot. 
• If there is any made-up formula left after a feed, throw it away.

Pretty much impossible unless you have a miracle baby who doesn't cry when it's hungry and you don't go out for a year. However a good set of instructions for first time parents if like didn't have a clue about...anything. Find the full guide here:

Ready made bottles

• Sayes it on the label really, just pour the contents into a sterilised bottle.

So super easy. Great if your out for the day. But only serves 7oz, so not ideal if your big babys drink 9oz, but perfect in those early days.

Cooled water

Generally used when your out.

• The process is pretty straight forward, you fill your bottle with the desired amount of water.
• Scoop out your formula into a separate container. Avent sell a container which has three compartments to put the powder in.
• When your baby needs feeding you simply poor the formula powder into the bottle and shake.

There was some research however that has suggested it could be dangerous to make bottles this way. The main concern is a bacteria called enterbacter sakazakii, an outbreak in France in 2004, found nine babies fell ill (most of them premature babies), and two died. Powdered baby formula was thought to be the cause.

Easy to do, but be aware of the risks. Check out this awesome blogger Lind Geddes http://www.lindageddes.com/133/pouring-cold-water-on-baby-formula for more information on the subject.

Making up a Batch

Used for home and away.

. 

• Make a batch of the number of bottles you need within 24hours. I used to make 8 bottles and always an ounce more than he'd need, in case he wanted more.
• Once they have cooled down, refrigerate them. Put them as far to the back as you can to keep them super cool.
• Ensure exactly 24 hours later you discard ANY bottles that are left.
• Simply heat them up as and when you need them. Don't reheat.
• You can also transport formula in a cool bag, but it should be used within 2 hours.
• Also be aware when you ask kitchens in restaurants to heat up your milk. The microwaves are much stronger. So I ask for 10 seconds first and then ask them for more if needed. 

In my opinion the safest and easiest. It's the method I used with both the boys and saved my sanity.

Toddler shoe fitting...from HELL!

[Product review of Clarkes shoe gauge. Not sponsored]

Today we went to Clarks again as we do every couple of months to get Moo's feet fitted for shoes. It's a nightmare!

Moo sees the shop 'NO'!

Right ok...here we go...

I start to reassure Moo 'Don't worry we're only going to get your shoes touched' (I couldn't face getting him actually measured this time, I thought maybe she could just touch the bottom of his shoes to get an idea of fit).

It started well, we get out of the pram, he had a look around, he's confidently picking up shoes, I'm led into a false sense of security! 

He picks his ticket, then pulls a whole lengths arm of tickets, I can feel eyes on me! Normally I'd pull Moo up on his waste of tickets, but I can't, I distract for fear of the inevitable melt down that is about to errupt. 

I explain to the lady across the room via exaggerated sign language, facial expression and lip reading that he doesn't like getting his feet fitted.

She knows, she nods, she braces herself.

Before we've even attempted to sit down. He's clocked her-he can see the foot gadget and he's KICKING OFF-in everyway you can imagine. While I reassure him with a cuddle, I'm also saying to the lady 'just do it-just do it'. Like our lives depended on it. 

Now I've been quite a few times to Clarks and no one has ever suggested this, buy your own toddler food measuring gauge! 

Thank you Nicola from Clarks Longwell green, you have saved me from another parents nightmare.

He actually came home tonight and measured his own feet! He loves it!

I can now measure at home and still get my favourite Clarks sand boots!

Boys day is now boys + girl day...

A long time ago I wrote how I hoped D would find another lover, that for the sake of my babies they would be kind and considerate. That I could trust her to care for them and comfort them, the same way I do. 

Well I think he's found her.

I'm not going to sugar coat it, there are things D and I are still trying to work out between us. Because when you have a children with someone it's hard to just shut off your feelings. It's hard to hate someone that has given you such joy, that you see all the things you loved about them in your beautiful child everyday. But equally it's hard to love someone who has done things that you can't help but resent them for, time has healed and will further. But it's a long process. 

Monday's have always been really tough for D and I there's still raw emotion. Resentmeant from both sides and we often bicker about something trivial. But we have both thought it's so important for D and Teddy to have a relationship from the beginning.  It's ironic because when I saw the tarot reader she said 'it's like your still in a relationship' it was true people would bump into us in the street they often wouldn't know we had separated and when we told them they would applaud us for being able to go out together for the boys. But actually on those days we both found it strange and uncomfortable. It was a really odd set up, but it worked for us as long as it could.

Then the day after I went to get my cards read A suggested to D that they both take the boys on a Monday. Both D and I know he couldn't have them both on his own, so for A to give up one of her days is pretty amazing. It now means we can have a normal friendship where D and I just drop off. It means hopefully at their birthday party's, graduation (maybe) or wedding (don't come around too fast) we will be there together, best friends enjoying watching our boys grow into men! 

So thank you A I know your very busy at work, but It's really taken the pressure off. And of course I get a day to catch up on everything I can't do in the week. So I will take time out on a Monday to keep you updated on all the craziness, that is my life. 

Tarot Reader...CRINGE much...

Writing this actually makes me cringe a bit, but I went to see a tarot reader.

I'm not entirely sure I actually believe in it all, I'm a Christian and so I believe in spirits and I believe that there is more once we die.

It gives me comfort.

What I wanted was to talk to someone who could give me answers as to where I go next. I needed to have someone to gently encourage me to make the final leap.

I arrived and instantly I felt comfortable, but every time I swallowed I could feel it, that lump in my throat. What was she going to say? For fucks say please don't tell me anything bad! Like someone's going to die. I don't want to know that shit. I just want you to tell me I'll be ok. That my life isn't going to be crappy forever. That's all. There's the money. Thanks bye.

         Wish she had predicted this!

I won't go into all the boring details of all the cards. But she told me so many things that rang true. The pessimistic person in me says, doesn't everyone go for comfort, reassurance, guidance? It's not difficult to say certain things that all people going through a shit time would feel. The optimist says you didn't waste £20, everything she said was from the spirits! HA!

Actually it's the best £20 I've spent.

She explained how the cards were very organised, like me, that I needed to make some big decisions about a house and I needed to end a relationship. That my future was bright, that I'll be dancing with lots of girls and I will meet someone who is calming. For me the point in which I freaked out is how well she described D, and how he made me feel, I really couldn't have described it better.

How did she know all this?

But as she summed up the whole 2 hours, she said everything all the negative cards had already happened, that I just needed my life literally 'laid out on the table'. The last year was there staring at me in those cards. What I needed to change and that I needed to look forward to the future.

I think she was right, with my thoughts filled with so much crap, I don't have time to reflect on the past. And it's hard to look forward sometimes when you can't see the path you need to follow. In that moment I knew exactly what I needed to do. I sat there feeling energised and excited about what's going to happen next.

Betrayal...

Sorry I haven't written for a while, in all honesty I don't know what to write. My mini break was really quite emotional and exhausting. It had made me open the box I had put away deep in my heart the day I left D. The one that I kept putting all the thoughts and feelings I didn't want to address or more, had time to over the past year in.

So much has changed and so it keeps changing. Just as I came back from my break D told me he was moving in with his girlfriend. It feels as if just as I process and heal from one major change, I'm dealt another and I just can't keep on top of it all.

I wrote a long post about EVERYTHING but I deleted it. Actually it was the best thing I could of done. I realised that if the box had a name on it, it would be betrayal. I have felt betrayed by everything that D has done the last year. 

Being away from the boys meant I could open the box honestly, I was shocked that it bought out anger and frustration. I didn't sleep well the whole weekend and my days were spent thinking through every fine little detail of the last year.

It was draining.

On the last night of my break I found messaging D all of my thoughts and feelings really cathartic and healing. I'd let it all out, there was nothing left hiding in my box.

When I came back the next day I was free. It's finished. I'm ready to move forward.