So here I am deflated, I've had to cancel my two nights away for my friends hen do. It's days like this I feel sad I'm a single parent. Not sad that I'm not with D. Sad for myself, at how hard my life is and will be for a long time.
My trip had been planned for months and months, but unfortunately a catalyst of events have meant that I have no one to care for the boys. Both my Mum and Sister are really poorly and D recently also booked a trip away the same weekend (yes I was fucked off-Mamas you get it).
It's hard enough for me to leave the boys anyway, I haven't left Teddy over night since he was born. I think I could count on one hand the nights I've had away from Moo. I haven't been out on a night out without D in almost 3 1/2 years. I haven't been abroad in 4 years.
I'd pinned so much on this weekend away. Emotionally I'm drained, every minute of everyday I give everything I have to the boys. Being around D is also very emotionally exhausting for both of us, the feeling of hurt doesn't just go away because we aren't together anymore.
I really needed to have some time to empty my mind of all the shit that's happened in the breakdown of my relationship and with D moving on. At times it can be all consuming.
What I find really tough as well is I don't have anyone at the end of the day to fill up my emotional tank. That person to reassure you your doing a great job, that your a wonderful Mama, kiss you softly in appreciation for bring up their babies.
Then I'm also physically knackered, like a lot of parents I hardly have a second in the day to myself. I've only just managed to stay awake long enough in the evening to read a few pages of a book or watch something on t.v once the boys are asleep. And going out in the evening is near impossible as once the boys are finally asleep, I have to pray that the boys don't wake up once I've left them with someone. I hate to ask people for help and I hate being a burden.
I guess I'd hoped this weekend would rejuvenate me, give me the extra energy I need to get the big projects done. That I could lie in the sun and plan what's next. I guess I need to get my shit together regardless... watch this space.
Sadly this is likely the last opportunity for a while to take some time away, once I'm back at work and Moo has settled in at nursery I'll need to save my holiday. Just incase one of the boys is sick or my parents go away on holiday (I'd have to take the week off work too to have the boys) also I'd like to take them away on a holiday next year.
I never really appreciated how hard being a single parent is.
To my single Mama friend who always used to get pissed off if we cancelled a night out. I'm sorry I didn't understand how hard it is to get one night to yourself. How tricky and how much preparation goes into getting all your shit together for one night. How fucking crap it made you feel relying on someone else. I now understand how utterly disappointing and frustrating that made you feel! I'm sorry!
