It's been a very l o n g year.
This time last year our relationship broke down, there were two weeks of intense arguing and he lost me.
He lost my heart because it couldn't hurt anymore.
I couldn't cry anymore there were no tears left.
I left and with it left the younger me. The one that was innocent and fell hard for D. So hard I couldn't see our relationship for what it was.
For years we were best friends and that was what I was scared of loosing. D is a wonderful friend not just to me but to everyone. He was my alias. When we laughed, we laughed hard. Our cuddles were tight and strong.
But the draining days and stormy evenings were dark.
As Jennifer Garner described so brilliantly of her relationship with Ben Affleck:
'I married him. And I would go back and remake that decision.'
'He’s the most brilliant person in any room, the most charismatic, the most generous. He’s just a complicated guy. I always say, ‘When his sun shines on you, you feel it.’ But when the sun is shining elsewhere, it’s cold. He can cast quite a shadow.'
This decribes exactly how I felt.
Now I know all this, yet every time I think of D with someone else I feel sad. Not distraught or destroyed. Just sad. Sad for the things I have lost.
It's funny because when we initially broke up everyone described it as sad, but I wasn't sad, I was relieved that one of us finally stood up and walked away.
Yes I have been comparing myself to her even though I don't know her, a challenge in itself, I think once I meet her actually all that will probably fade away and I pray that we'll get along.
I think the first person after you is always the hardest, I think that actually D's new 'girlfriend' is perhaps his soul mate. It's hard for me to admit that because of course I always thought I was. But I think in the most recent months both D and I know we aren't. We are best friends-and that's different.
I have so many questions that fill my head each night...
Could she be my babies StepMama one day?
She probably wants children, is she good enough in my eyes to have my children's siblings?
Is she a good role model?
If I died (YES I've thought of EVERYTHING) could I trust her to bring up the boys as I would like?
Will she wrap my boys up in love if they fall?
Could she explain to them the complexities of life-such as relationships?
I don't know these yet, but from what D has said of her-she probably would be a perfect StepMama.
I have to remind myself the reasons I am not with D anymore. Daily and sometimes hourly. At night it is worse-when I'm doing the night feeds and I don't have Moo to distract me, I can over think things.
But I know I'm going through the motions, I'm grieving. And that's OK.
If we had stayed together we would have caused our beautiful boys so much upset. THATS what I have to keep reminding myself of and that the choice I made, is probably the best and most important decision I have ever made.
I'm happy now, I'm just abit shattered.
I think there's always going to be some resentment there. While D has gone out and met someone, I've spent the last year each night on my own. Either pregnant or doing endless night feeds. As a single Mama it's almost impossible for me to go and meet my friends, let alone have a relationship. I simply don't have the time or energy!
I guess I wish D had waited till Teddy was 6 months, so that I could of built up my confidence and address my insecurites that us Mama's develop after we have babies.
But you can't plan when your going to meet someone! That's life and I intend to live and enjoy it again!
This week we got away curtesy of Mum and Dad! It's been so refreshing, my mind is clear now its amazing what a bit of fresh sea air can do!
Next thing on the list, love myself again!
